i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
