all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
