theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
