You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize