but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
Welp...herpes.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Randomize
