Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
