By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Randomize
