"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Randomize