is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
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