i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Randomize
