you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
should my penis look like a turkey
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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