cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
time to smoke my breakfast
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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