i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
it's like iHOP with fire
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
