I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
