If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
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