Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Randomize