I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
