I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
