while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
