Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
