Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
