i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Randomize
