Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize