Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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