that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
