You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Randomize
