highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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