god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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