The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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