I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
did i just pee glitter
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
Randomize
