Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
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