i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
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