I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Randomize