i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
