i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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