she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
Randomize
