The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
