Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize