Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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