I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Randomize
