did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
