Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
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