Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
