it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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