dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
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