So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
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