people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
