I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
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