If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize