I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
