ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
did i just pee glitter
Randomize
