dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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