I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
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