I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Randomize