I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Randomize
